Kirk Spock & McCoy Enterprises

(Scene: the board room of Kirk Spock & McCoy Enterprises, an investment firm with offices on the 87th floor of the Empire State Building. Or somewhere like that.)

KIRK: Star date twenty twenty zero three zero nine. The novel corona virus has spread terror through the markets, wiping out in a single morning gains that took (checks notes) months to accumulate. The death toll continues to mount, and every day brings word of new outbreaks, more and more draconian measures to halt the spread of the disease. There is as of yet no cure in sight, and tantalizing hopes of a vaccine remain months away in the most wildly optimistic scenario. I am meeting with my top advisors to plan a strategy for counseling our clients. … Did you get all that, Miss Uhura?

UHURA: Yes, sir. What was that word “star” for at the beginning?

KIRK: “Star”? Did I say “star”? No idea. Strike it out. Well, gentlemen: what is your prognosis.

SPOCK (adjusting his Stefano Ricci tie): The logical strategy for such a situation is indisputable: Buy. The market is now profoundly underpriced. Take advantage of it.

McCOY (staring at SPOCK with wild eyes): I can’t believe this. Are you out of your mind, Spock?! The bottom is dropping out of the market! We have to sell, sell! Sell like there’s no tomorrow! People are dying out there, I tell you!

SPOCK (politely): Will fewer of them die if your clients lose their nest eggs to a bear market?

McCOY: But this virus could crash the world economy! Italy has shut itself down! Practically the whole government of Iran is infected! Schools are making contingency plans to close, factories could shut down to try to contain the contagion!

SPOCK: The most pessimistic forecasts of the pandemic are—if you will pardon the pun—feverish. The mortality estimates we have seen so far are most likely inflated due to our inability to count the total infected population accurately, since many of them develop only mild symptoms. Respiratory illnesses do the most harm in the winter months, and the northern hemisphere is about to enter springtime. The disease appears to be more contagious in less-developed countries with inferior public sanitation infrastructure, and for all these reasons will probably do little harm to the regions responsible for the bulk of the world economy. The epidemic may peak very soon, and when it does the markets will rebound.

McCOY (passionately): And does that do any good for the people in quarantine? Or in the ICU’s?

SPOCK (with heavy irony): McCoy, if I had a cure for the novel corona virus in my vest pocket, I would certainly make use of it to help those people. But, alas (feeling his pocket), I do not have such a thing. Do you?

McCOY: Dammit, man, I’m an investment analyst, not a doctor!

SPOCK (pointedly): So am I. And my analysis is: buy.

McCOY: And mine is SELL, you green-visored Vulcan!

SPOCK: Green-visored what?

KIRK: Never mind. Gentlemen, I think I’ve heard enough. The final decision is mine. And … I know what I’m going to do.

McCOY: And what will that be?

KIRK (turns to the window and gazes for a moment out over the panorama of New York City stretching out before him): We’ll buy.

McCOY: Jim!

KIRK (rounds on him): We have to, Bones! This enterprise has to be guided by the Prime Directive!

SPOCK (quoting): “Buy low, sell high.”

McCOY: To hell with the Prime Directive! (He storms out.)

SPOCK: Jim, may I ask you something?

KIRK (smiling crookedly): What, Spock?

SPOCK: The stock market is essentially an engine for transferring wealth from  excitable investors to more phlegmatic ones. McCoy seems temperamentally unsuited to the profession. I have analyzed our respective performances over the past five years and found that, while my advice has proven correct 70% of the time, McCoy’s has proven incorrect 90% of the time. Why do you keep him as a partner?

KIRK (grinning): I would think you could figure that out with your famous logic, Spock. If I follow your advice, I make money seven times out of ten, is that right?

SPOCK: Yes…

KIRK: But you see, if I do the opposite of what McCoy recommends, I make money nine times out of ten.

SPOCK (raises one eyebrow): Fascinating!



Justin Tarquin: Hope you enjoyed this experiment in transposition of characters. I wish I knew Photoshop well enough to make an illustration ...