Clerihews for the Losers

I like to stay hopeful about the future, so it's good to reflect that later this year, someone will lose the election to be the President of the United States. I wrote some clerihews to comemorate the last few losers. Sure, a clerihew is a pretty easy form to write, but what do they want for losing?


1996: Bob Dole

Bob Dole
Lacked a goal.
The Dems would demand what they wanted, and when Bob took the floor,
He'd propose the same thing, but a little less, and cheaper, and slower.


2000: Al Gore

Al Gore
Made 'em snore.
Known for his climate-warming-catastrophe hawking,
Though it unobligingly got cold wherever he was talking.


2004: John Kerry

John Forbes Kerry
Got a great keynote from this other guy, Barry.
Then he 24-7 talked Vietnam,
Till he sounded like a disgruntled-vet version of Miss Havisham.


2008: John McCain

John McCain,
The Times assured us, was broadminded and urbane.
That is, until he got nominated,
Whereafter he was abominated.


2012: Mitt Romney

Governor Mitt Romney
Became his party's nominee.
And campaigned with such chipper politeness,
Even whites were put off by his whiteness.


2016: Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton,
Though marrying a skilled politician was her life's sole noteworthy accomplishment, on
The basis of it, ran for President.
We all know how that went.


Who will be next? No telling. But one thing is certain: you will not find any of my poetry in "The Hyland Resolution", my story in PLANETARY ANTHOLOGY: LUNA. Enjoy!

Que Digo, Sera!

Que Digo, Sera!

(With apologies to Doris Day)

When I was just a little boy

Scientists told us,

Listen and learn:

Smoke is reflecting

Warmth from the Earth;

Ice ages will return!

(Refrain)

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

When after school I watched the news,

They had Paul Ehrlich, 

Here’s what he said:

Too many people!

Asia will starve!

Hundreds of millions dead!

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

All of the movies that I watched

Said anti-commies

Would start a war.

Nuclear fallout

Would leave us scarred,

Mutants forevermore.

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

Then in the magazines I read

Aerosol chlorine

Would be our bane,

Depleting ozone,

Passing UV:

Killing the whole food chain.

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

I went to college where I learned

Resource depletion 

Was just ahead!

Standards of living

Had already peaked!

So our professor said.

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

When I grew up and went to work

These are the latest

Warnings I hear:

Carbon dioxide

Traps infrared!

Glaciers will disappear!

Que digo, sera!

Whatever I say, will be!

The future is mine to see!

Que digo, sera!

But now I’m grown, I scratch my head;

All these Cassandras 

Can’t catch a break!

Doom from all quarters

Never arrives.

Maybe it's all a fake?

(Final Refrain)

No se que sera.

I do not know what will be.

It beats the hell outa me.

No se que sera.

(Repeat Final Refrain, more raucously)

Thought this appropriate for Earth Day. Thanks for reading! For more of my doggerel, click here. 

You can read "The Kings of the Corona", my well-reviewed, first and so-far only published story in TALES OF THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING.  Another story of mine has been accepted for one of the Luna anthologies, soon to appear in the Superversive Press Planetary Anthology Series, and I have another couple stories in the works for submission to some of the other installments to that series.

You Are Old, Father William: 2019

(With apologies to Lewis Carroll)


"You are old, Father William," the boy diagnosed,
"And my hero, Ocasio-Cortez,
Says your SUV's vapors will flood all the coast.
Why didn't you heed what Al Gore says?"

"In my youth," said his uncle, "I listened in fear
To all the enviros' predictions.
But as every calamity failed to appear,
I became more amused at their fictions."

"You are old, Father William," declared the young jerk,
"And your yard isn't easy to keep.
Yet you just have Americans doing the work:
Wouldn't undocumenteds be cheap?"

"In my youth," said his uncle, adjusting his slacks,
"I thought nationalism was wrong.
But the Mexicans took all the jobs from the Blacks,
So I've hired them to help me along."

"You are old, Father William," the young boy said,
"And get Social Security dough.
Yet for privatization you wrote this op-ed.
Say, how can this riddle be so?"

"In my youth," Father William addressed his nephew,
"There were four workers for each retiree.
By the time you retire that will be less than two.
I trust this resolves your inquiry?"

"You are old, Father William, and learned what you know
From the public school systems gone bye.
Yet now you want tuition vouchers to go
To your private-schooled grandchildren. Why?"

"Kid, I look at the memes that have blighted your brain,
And I know where you got every one.
If we don't flush your whole school system down through the drain,
Then our civilization is done."

Spelling mnemonic

I before E,
Except after C,
Or when sounded as A
As in “neighbor” and “weigh”;
Or in “counterfeit”, or in
A word such as “foreign”;
Or when rhyming with “iced tea”
In words such as “feisty”;
Or things found in a bean
Like “protein” and “caffeine”;
Or in names from Westmeath
Such as “Deirdre” and “Keith”;
Or in “leisure”, to keep us from taking a breather,
And lest we forget about “either” and “neither”;
Or in words that describe something that might be feared,
Such as “kaleidoscopic”, “heinous” and “weird”;
Or borrowings got from the land of the Rhine,
Like “gesundheit” and “leitmotif”, “zeitgeist” and “stein”;
Or in “sheik”, “vein”, “reveille”, “heifer”, or “seize”;
But, apart from these few, put your I’s before E’s.

Schadenfreude!

Schadenfreude!
Oh, the Schadenfreude!
Gatekeeping
Is what WorldCon employed!
Larry saw
The Hugos were all devoid
   Of any but
      Token picks.
      And it sticks
      Politics
      In the mix.

Schadenfreude!
So much Schadenfreude!
Puppies picked
Good books that we
All enjoyed...
But No-Award
Was given, just to avoid
   Our nasty con-
      Tagion!
      So we moved on.
      We’ve all gone
      To DragonCon.

Schadenfreude!
Darling, Schadenfreude!
That WorldCon is
So damn paranoid!
Del Arroz
Considered a Polaroid...
   But they were too
      Scared if Jon
      Put camera on
      Goings-on
      At their con...

Schadenfreude!
Oh, the Schadenfreude!
All the times
WorldCon has annoyed!
Signaling
Their virtue was unalloyed!
   But anyway,
      Here’s the twist:
      A panelist
      That they missed
      “E” feels dissed!

Schadenfreude!
Darling, Schadenfreude!
Hugo nom’s
They’re admitting no one enjoyed!
Now the swarm
Has their own con destroyed!
   Watch them as they
      All drop out!
      And scream and shout!
      No more clout!
      What a rout!

(Fade out)
Schadenfreude!
Oh, the Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Darling, Schadenfreude!

The Banned Lad

"Why, Milo, old chum! Has my mind me forsook,
Or is that your dear phizz on a best-selling book?
How did you get such fame and such cel-eb-rit-y?"
"Oh didn't you hear how they banned me," said he.

"You were studying English and drama and stuff
With an eye to be some kind of theater buff.
Now you're jetting around, talking on the TV!"
"Yes, that's what you do when they ban you," said he.

"Back in school you were shy and reserved, not inclined
To outrageous ideas. Now you speaking your mind
Makes a feminist screech like a flipping banshee!"
"True, your confidence grows when they ban you," said he.

"And those garms never came out of Selfridge's aisles,
That's a Savile Row suit like the uppercrust styles!
You've got personal trainers and hench arm can-dy!"
"Consolations there are, when they ban you," said he.

"At Manchester you were obscure, I recall,
No one noticed you left; but this thing at DePaul!
Your fans crashed their ratings on Facebook, with glee!"
"Well, you win lots of friends when they ban you," said he.

"I wish I had your followers, watching my back,
And six-figure advances, and fame!" "Come on, jack!
A blog that does take-offs on Thomas Har-dy?
You're kidding me, right? No one bans that," said he.

(Note: suggestions about Milo's pre-notoriety lifestyle are pure speculation on my part and not at all probable.--JMT)